I see your double in strangers on the street

And my mind cues up the threadbare audio tape of your voice

Reluctantly I play it knowing that one day it may break and your sound will be gone for ever

I watch a look alike and remember, revelling in that fleeting moment

Before it fades like a vapour trail only solid for a moment

Until a wind gently blows it away

Time has come and time has gone but your time has stood still

And I wonder, is there more , for me, for all of us

Or are we all waiting for a day that has already been

My memories are fading to gray as the need for an embrace grows deeper

One of the most rewarding aspects of my job is the very reason why I have a job, the customers. The folks that walk through our door are as varied as the many different ways one can make a coffee, each one comes complete with their own personality and story. Every day I leave work with more than enough material to blog for months hence the lack of blogging about work, there’s just too much material.

As rewarding as the customers are they can also be the biggest pain in the ass. Some folks are like The Borg as they try their very best to assimilate you into their lives based on a relationship that they have built in their head. Honestly, how deep is a relationship when your only interaction is an exchange of money for yummy. Still for some folks that 15 second connection is enough for them to build a long lasting “friendship” as they bounce beyond any rational person’s boundary, answering unasked questions and giving way too much detail about their day to day life.

With that being said it’s still an amazing journey through life that can be trying but for the most part is fascinating. I know stuff about folks that: a) I didn’t ask any questions that warranted the info, b) I  didn’t want to know in the first place and c) without pictures I have no proof The most trying part of my day is keeping my smart ass-ed answers inside my head and away from my lips as people can and do ask the dumbest questions. Yes, I am just as guilty as the next person but hearing them as often as I do they now become fodder for blogging. Here are my top 5 “what I’d rather say” replies.

#1 – “how big is the small”            what I’d rather say – dunno, how jumbo is a shrimp

what I generally say – it’s really only a sample size and most people prefer the medium

#2 – while staring at an empty basket “do you have any more carrot muffins”     preferred reply – yes I still have all of them but none for you today, you too fat, you go on diet (complete with Chinese food owner’s accent)

what I generally say – sadly they are our most popular muffin and sell out pretty early

#3 – while looking at the muffin case “what kind of muffins do you have”     preferred reply – hey, you’re standing right there, how ’bout you tell me for a change

what I generally say -well let’s just have a look see at what we have left

#4 – “are any of your donuts low fat”     preferred reply – you betcha Buffy, that’s what all donuts are low fat, uh huh, no one ever got fat eating a donut, yeesh

what I generally say – wish it were so but sadly no

#5 – “I saw a girl who looks just like you yesterday at the bank, do you have a sister”  no  “do you have a twin sister then”      preferred reply – no I don’t have a sister but I do have a twin, we’re just not related!

what I generally say – could have been me or it could have been my body double.

I’ll keep working on the last one to soften it up a bit because I fear my preferred reply is closer to getting out each and every time I hear that question.

I haven’t been here in a long time and it all comes down to one of many things, a lack there of….

A lack of uninterrupted time, a lack of focus, a lack of creativity, a lack of discipline, a lack of good light hearted material, a lack of energy, a lack of desire. I have had a ton of material to work with over the past 2 and a half months but every time I fire up my laptop something else needs my attention, right that minute. Then when I return I lose my focus and all that I wanted to blog about becomes disconnected and I can’t put more than 10 words together. That stumps my ability to be creative as I scramble to try to put the whole flow of thoughts back into sequence. Discipline has NEVER been my strong point, flighty thoughts reign supreme. Some days I get home too worn out and tired to remember breath, blink, breath, blink, swallow, cook dinner, breath again etc. I’ve been stuck in a rut of receiving, processing and planning that all needs to be done as quickly as possible or at least that’s the speed I’ve told myself it needs to be done in. All of that just chews away at my desire to fill a blank page with anything that looks remotely unlike rage even though I’m not angry, just creatively frustrated.

I forced myself today to just sit and stare at a blank page and wait for my mind to slow down and rearrange where my thoughts were taking me to. Not perhaps the most effective way to jump start a writing slump but a start is a start just the same.

I could drag you through the whole list of a lack there of and how it came to be but I think it would be better to start from somewhere different, for now. I may revisit the steps that led to here in a blog but for now I’m just happy to finally be able to fill a blank screen, no matter how uninformative it is.

If you’ve checked back here in the last few months, thank you.

Truth be told I am a liar. I have lied and most likely will continue to lie with the full knowledge that what is about to come out of my mouth IS in fact a lie. Am I powerless to stop it?  The answer is no. Are there circumstances where a lie is acceptable? Again, no. Why do I do it you ask? Is lying really much easier than being honest? No I don’t think so. Lying is less confrontational, it is easier to lie than it is to be honest but trying to keep track of the lies is near impossible and eventually the truth will come out.

There have been times when the phone has rung and rather than simply answer it I check the caller ID. No I don’t call this “screening my calls” I call it “am I really in the mood to talk to X”. If it’s someone that I have to be mentally ready to talk to there’s a good chance that the call will go unanswered at least 50% of the time. Then 40% of the time I’ll either “just be on my way out the door” or “just getting in”. The remaining 10% will be the calls that I actually take. Basically 90% of the time I’ll lie to those folks that I need to be ready to talk  listen to not because it’s easier for me but because it’s easier for them, or so I thought.

I recently put someone’s calls on ignore for a few days and when they asked me where in Sam Hill I had been for so long I caved. I told them the bare truth, that I have been really busy lately with precious time to myself and have not been in the mood to take their calls. Needless to say the next 5 minutes were quite tense as they insisted that what I had just said was mean spirited. When I asked them to pick between a lie and the truth they oddly enough, chose the truth but suggested that the next time they call and I’m not “up” to talking listening to them I should just say so and they’ll call me another time. Ya, right, like that will work!

Folks would call those types of lies “little white lies” and say they are harmless really but do they not harm someone. Are we not harming ourselves by not setting up barriers for the folks who call and suck the brains out of our heads. Are we not enabling their boundary free behavior by simply “being out” when they call rather than telling them that they can be draining to talk to?

Currently I am walking a road with someone who is seeing their own life unraveling as the lies are catching up to them. These are not the little white lies that hurt no one but rather the type of lies that leave everyone wondering just what is real and what is a lie. These lies will destroy not only the person’s life but also the lives of those who they hold near and dear. I am losing a friend and they are losing credibility because for them, it’s just easier to lie than to be honest. What a waste of a life, a love and a marriage.

I wonder….did they start with the line “ya, sorry I missed your call I must have been out”?

Today there is a party that I have an invitation to

But it’s not yet my time to attend

Today there is a party to celebrate a birth

A life renewed now without an end

I’m unsure if there will be cake or presents

For it’s location will be the real gift

Family and friends who are already there

They’ve been waiting to seal the rift

To the one who was our own personal loss

Has now become one of Heaven’s newest gains

Arriving just in time to celebrate

Restored and freed from his earthly pain

Happy 80th birthday Dad