Category Archives: work

Time to embrace the circle

Years ago I put into practice a mental inventory exercise of counting my blessings. I was in a head space where anger and resentment were my only two moods and I needed to make some changes. Because I had no control over my environment I changed the things that I could control, myself.

It’s almost a ridiculous exercise but like most simple refocus exercises it works. When I would start to feel angry or resentful I would stand still and slowly turn in a circle scanning and taking mental notes of everything within my view. First I would absorb all the good I saw (which sets the brain up to be more tolerant of the bad) then I would, one by one, look at the things that triggered my negative emotions and thoughts. Carefully I would examine why I was associating a negative reaction then set about changing either what I saw or how I saw it. Once I had sifted through the bad I would go back to the good and once again embrace the good feelings again. Simple exercise but very effective.

Just over a year ago I left a job that was just a job. I was neither passionate about the job, the people I worked with, the people I worked for and I had grown to hate more than half of the 200 people I saw each day. Every morning I would wake up and drive into work in a foul mood and stay that way until someone broke it for me. I had reached the place of total apathy and resentment was hot on it’s heels. Every day I would pull out my circle exercise and work it and as the days passed the good that I saw was being consumed by the bad that I could not change. After 5 months of losing positive ground I left.

The job I have now is slowly eroding away into anger and resentment and has been soaking in apathy for the last 2 months or so. When I first started with this company I was inspired. I was passionate about my work, the people I worked with and with the people I worked for. Any and every thing I needed was provided, promptly. I was supported in  my needs, my wants, my ideas and my plans for growth. I had carte blanche at this job in almost every aspect. I could pick and choose my own staff without the fear that someone higher up could or would fire them at will. With the exception of corporate standards this store was mine and it’s success or failure was solely my responsibility. I felt absolutely liberated and poured myself into my new endeavor. Every day was like a renewal of appreciation, validation and inspiration.

Lately, say the last five months or so the wheels have fallen off the bus. The line of support has either been severed or enough of it has eroded away that it’s become invisible to the naked eye. More work has piled on me as a manager at another location continually screws stuff up and I have to help carry them along. Resentment is nipping at me, much like being eaten alive by a butterfly. Each and every day a little less of me shows up for work. Although I have a great group of kids working for me there have been far too many days where I could have opened the door and tossed them all out into the parking lot. Every day something new breaks, ceases to function at peak performance or bits fall off and the the only answer I get when I ask for help is, “can you take care of that, I’m tied up with……” I have reached the peak of frustration and sadly only 2 things are keeping me from walking out the door.

1) I only have three and a half years left to work until I can finally leave the work force and embrace the idleness of retirement

2) they pay me handsomely.

I’ll be heading into work soon dripping in resentment, frustration and anger tightly wrapped in a big fuzzy blanket of apathy. Maybe today is the day that the balance in the circle of gratefulness will tip farther to the positive and I can finish out my sentence in peace and appreciation.

That’s my rant for the day.


Life is moving too fast

I vividly recall hearing my mother tell me “the older you get the quicker the years go by”. At the time that was a response to my plea for school to hurry up and be over. Little did I know the depth of the truth to her words. I’m finding that the older I get the quicker the years past and that saddens me, deeply. We can all think back to when we were kids and remember how hours just seemed to be endless, days stretched on and on. Lately hours seem like seconds and there just aren’t enough days, or so it seems.

After two and a half years I left a job that I once loved. While I still thoroughly enjoyed the job my passion for it was ground down by the people I worked for. After 5 or 6 months of dragging myself in to work, filling each hour of work with resentment, I tendered my resignation. Work had become a poison and I desperately needed to get healthy again. I had been offered a  job that was so foreign to me that I considered declining the offer but could not resist the challenge so I took it.

I’ve been there a little over a month now and I can honestly say I love it. It can be incredibly intense and at times simmer just under the mark of overwhelming but it’s always a challenge. I have the type of personality that thrives under pressure, the busier the better so this is a really good fit for me, mentally. Physically, working 60+ hours a week is beginning to wear me down but the mental charging keeps me going for another day and another….

I don’t have as much down time with this job as I had with the last one but I don’t seem to need it. The stress level is only as high as I make it and I’m working at keeping that as low as possible. This is a great job working for people who appreciate my effort and are always there to help me be the best I can be.

One thing I noticed early this morning was the date on the calendar. Where has time gone? What ever happened to the endless hours and days that seemed to never end? When did months begin to blend into a blur? Is this what the rest of my years will be like? Will time ever slow down again?


Because He is faithful

Alone in a small boat yet not completely alone

I drift from the shoreline

Enjoying the peace of the day

I wait

The tension slips from me

as I lower the anchor

here is where I’ll stay

here I will wait

Surrounded by silence

alone with my own thoughts

I seek His face and wait for His voice

Prayer has begun

Feeling more relaxed

leaning back

I see the clouds, the colour of the sky

I want to run

but here I stay

here I wait

Looking up, waiting, listening

 the rain begins

small pools gather at my feet

as the wind comes

Still I hear no voice

the tension returns

yet here I stay, here I wait

Slowly the boat fills

my hand goes to the rope

the anchor is firm

I am anxious

 

The boat takes on water

the storm has begun

the skies are dark, the wind is fierce

I cannot change what has begun

The shoreline is a blur

that I have drifted from

yet the anchor holds firm

I am lost in Prayer

I wait

 


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