Years ago I put into practice a mental inventory exercise of counting my blessings. I was in a head space where anger and resentment were my only two moods and I needed to make some changes. Because I had no control over my environment I changed the things that I could control, myself.
It’s almost a ridiculous exercise but like most simple refocus exercises it works. When I would start to feel angry or resentful I would stand still and slowly turn in a circle scanning and taking mental notes of everything within my view. First I would absorb all the good I saw (which sets the brain up to be more tolerant of the bad) then I would, one by one, look at the things that triggered my negative emotions and thoughts. Carefully I would examine why I was associating a negative reaction then set about changing either what I saw or how I saw it. Once I had sifted through the bad I would go back to the good and once again embrace the good feelings again. Simple exercise but very effective.
Just over a year ago I left a job that was just a job. I was neither passionate about the job, the people I worked with, the people I worked for and I had grown to hate more than half of the 200 people I saw each day. Every morning I would wake up and drive into work in a foul mood and stay that way until someone broke it for me. I had reached the place of total apathy and resentment was hot on it’s heels. Every day I would pull out my circle exercise and work it and as the days passed the good that I saw was being consumed by the bad that I could not change. After 5 months of losing positive ground I left.
The job I have now is slowly eroding away into anger and resentment and has been soaking in apathy for the last 2 months or so. When I first started with this company I was inspired. I was passionate about my work, the people I worked with and with the people I worked for. Any and every thing I needed was provided, promptly. I was supported in my needs, my wants, my ideas and my plans for growth. I had carte blanche at this job in almost every aspect. I could pick and choose my own staff without the fear that someone higher up could or would fire them at will. With the exception of corporate standards this store was mine and it’s success or failure was solely my responsibility. I felt absolutely liberated and poured myself into my new endeavor. Every day was like a renewal of appreciation, validation and inspiration.
Lately, say the last five months or so the wheels have fallen off the bus. The line of support has either been severed or enough of it has eroded away that it’s become invisible to the naked eye. More work has piled on me as a manager at another location continually screws stuff up and I have to help carry them along. Resentment is nipping at me, much like being eaten alive by a butterfly. Each and every day a little less of me shows up for work. Although I have a great group of kids working for me there have been far too many days where I could have opened the door and tossed them all out into the parking lot. Every day something new breaks, ceases to function at peak performance or bits fall off and the the only answer I get when I ask for help is, “can you take care of that, I’m tied up with……” I have reached the peak of frustration and sadly only 2 things are keeping me from walking out the door.
1) I only have three and a half years left to work until I can finally leave the work force and embrace the idleness of retirement
2) they pay me handsomely.
I’ll be heading into work soon dripping in resentment, frustration and anger tightly wrapped in a big fuzzy blanket of apathy. Maybe today is the day that the balance in the circle of gratefulness will tip farther to the positive and I can finish out my sentence in peace and appreciation.
That’s my rant for the day.
