Is my picture on a milk carton?

I saw someone the other day that I haven’t seen in a while, like a month or so, yes for me, that IS a while and they said “OMG, where have you been”? Um what, what do you mean where have I been, I’ve been right here. I haven’t gone anywhere in so long, how could you not see me?

Truth is no matter where physically I have been I haven’t actually been anywhere. I have gotten up every day and gone somewhere but I haven’t actually been all there. For 6 straight months now I have simply “been”. I’ve “been” at work, a lot, too much lately. I have “been” to see friends. I have “been” to see bank folks, lawyers and cranky people wanting either money or papers claiming there is no money. I have “been” back and forth for over a week to a storage locker filled with stuff that isn’t even mine, nor do I want it. I have “been” here all along but too many people claim to have not seen me for quite a while.

How is that even possible? Almost everyone knows where to find me and the ones that aren’t part of the “almost” couldn’t find me as I continue to hone my hiding skills.

So where have I been all this time? Here, but not here. Aware but painfully unaware. I have been lost in a world of “get ‘er done’. My father’s estate needs attention so all my focus gets channeled there for as long as it takes to put out whatever fire is burning. Work is in what seems to be, a permanent state of flux where every day there is something new that needs my attention. The fact that I have been burning through staff like a pyromaniac only adds to my stress.

 It feels like I have been chasing my own tail for so long that I’m not even sure I have a tail or if there ever was one. Maybe I have the delusion of having a tail and honestly can’t decide what I’m doing or what I should be doing. Although I am one of those weird people who actually does like change I think this constant wave of change is starting to wear on me. I think I may actually be getting too comfortable with having a total lack of routine right now and that can’t be healthy. I loathe routine that takes up more than an hour of my day but somewhere in this present insanity I need to have something that lacks routine yet has consistency. That is a rather elusive line to live along and requires discipline that I don’t have for the moment and balance that requires more work than I’m willing to do.

I have 5 things that I am really missing and hope to get back to before I forget how much I enjoyed doing them.

1. having time to myself to write, blogs, poems, observations or rants

2. being able to just go where and when I want to without checking in with anyone

3. sleeping in past 5 a.m.

4. camping when and where I want to without being tied to a cell phone

5. spending time with friends (who have misinterpreted my absence as an end)

Lately I have been running from one place to another and have not really accomplished much, or so it seems. Hopefully hindsight will reveal something very different than my own limited view.

New year, new goals

I am not big on New Years resolution, I’m not really big on resolutions in general but I particularly don’t get why people wait for 12:01 a.m. January 1st to begin or end something. I much prefer to warm up to an initiative and slowly slide into it, hence it’s now January 3rd and so it begins. This is my list of 10 things that I will try harder to do or not to do hopefully I can reach my goals by this time next year.

1. Have more courage in my work place. I am going to begin training for Assistant Manager and I need to have courage that this is for me. I know I can do the job but I lack the courage to believe I can do it, that’s sounds messed up.

2. Worry less about rebuilding bridges and mending fences. Some bridges really need to be knocked down to make room for new ones and some fences need to simply be torn down. Big hurdle for me as I try to discern what to build and what to let go of.

3. Get into shape. Yes thin or light as I prefer, may very well be a shape but it’s not necessarily a nice shape. I’m hoping to drop about 10 lbs of “softness” particulaily the stuff that sits around my belly button keeping it warm.

4. Take opportunities when they arise. I recently had an opportunity to come along side of a friend recently to help carry their burden but I didn’t realize it until I had left my parking spot at work. That one still stings as they could have used a friend and out the door I went.

5. Stop wondering what the attraction to me is. I think I’m reasonably like able and it doesn’t really matter why, does it?

6. Become less enraged when the weather keeps me from work. I spent almost every morning last year at my last job praying for obscene amounts of snow so I wouldn’t have to go to work. We’ve had 2 snowstorms this year and I flew into a rage because I couldn’t get into work. That is new for me and obviously needs work.

7. Learn to discern when I am my brother’s keeper both figuratively and literally.

8. Take the time to smell the roses more often.I have found that I haven’t done that much lately and I think I’m shutting down somehow.

9. Put myself out there more often. I tend to talk myself out of doing the things that mean a lot to other people either because I just don’t want to be bothered or because I don’t want to be a bother. Be prepared to be “bothered” more often which may include hugs.

10. Take over the world 2 people at a time instead of one, starting with myself.

top 5 irritants

Today I’m not in much of a creative or personal sharing kind of mode, too much to get done, too tired, too many people today. So rather than try to blog something clever or even thought provoking I’ll just post a list of my top 5 P.Os in no particular order.

1. People who insinuate themselves in your life. Doesn’t matter to them that you are already having what appears to be a private conversation or even that you’re trying to get some food in you. They want and even demand your undivided attention so they can tell you just how much their life has sucked since they last saw you. Forgive me for saying this, but I never asked you.

2. The short life span of dogs. A friend of mine had to put down her beloved “hootie” recently, this was her first dog and also her first experience with having to put an animal down so for her that all pretty much sucks. I have 2 dogs right now that will walk that last walk to the vet sometime in the next 5 or 6 years making them numbers 5 and 6 for me. It sucks.

3. People who lie! Don’t go getting all pissy with me if I take you at your word of “I’m fine” and believe you when you aren’t. I was  tuned this past week for not doing more to help someone who had been going through a hard spell in life. Well guess what, I believed your lies that things were fine, get over yourself, I have.

4.Size 7 pants and a size 12 appetite. I may look small but I can put a dent in any all-you-can-eat buffets, sadly I have a deep dislike of pants that have an elastic waistband so I’m limited to whatever my jeans will stretch out to.

5.Self pity. If you’re going to go through the trouble of tracking me down for a pity party please bring a party hat with you. Better yet, make it a party for one. Self pity much like anything that starts with the word self leaves little to no room for anyone else so I’d just as soon skip it, thanks just the same though.

OK so there’s really 6!

6.The length of time it takes me to fulfill a promise. It’s been decades since I’ve had to break a promise so that makes me feel good. Unfortunately my ability to fulfill a promise and the time I actually fulfill it well, let’s just say there are a few pages on the calendar flipped.

I could easily make this a list of 10 or more but alas the things that need to get done today really need to get done today. If you can come up with one or more of your own irritants please share, misery loves company and there honestly is something called “group therapy”.