Driving along the road my stomach crept just a little bit higher, the tension in my head turned another notch tighter and yet I felt so incredibly blessed. Entering the parking lot I noted how quiet it was, how sparse the cars were and how oddly peaceful it felt.
I hadn’t been here in over 3 years. I spent a life time of hours driving down that very road, parking in that very parking lot and walking into the very same building and somehow years had slipped by in a blink of time.
As I put my vehicle in park I took a moment to compose myself. I looked up through the sunroof and sat watching the lone visible star twinkle. I was trying to convince myself to relax, to live in the moment, to not go back in time and drag anything forward with me. Closing my eyes, taking a deep breath I began the prayer that I would repeat as often as I could before I reached her door. Before the visual memory of the last time I was here froze me in a time warp of fear, of tears of being too late.
Stepping around the back bumper I stopped suddenly as a tiny red fox sat unafraid or startled by my presence. I could see it’s soft eyes, I could feel it’s lack of fear and my heart settled a bit more. This was a good sign I thought. God knows I can’t resist animals, He wouldn’t have put one in my path if time was that short, so I took the moment He presented me with and I stopped to enjoy His beauty.
Flash, 3 years ago it was another trip to sit with my mom, to wait, to pray, to hope, to let go.
As the fox walked away I began to make my way up to the hospital entrance. I intentionally parked as far away as I could to allow myself the opportunity to soak up the silence. I needed the time to pigeon hole my memories and to clear out my heart, to empty my head, to erase the heaviness of my day. Slowly walking I allowed myself to feel sorrow, to let go of my own wishes and accept His.
Reaching the front door I was relieved that nothing was the same, the entrance had been renovated beyond my memories and I felt some of the strain slip away. A quick check in with the security guard and I was on my way in completely unfamiliar surroundings until I reached the end of the hall. At the end of the hall was the end of the renovations and everything old, both in the building and my memories, became new and my head spun. Placing my foot on the first step down the staircase the memories began to return, the smells of old were refreshed, the feel of the banister was once again familiar and I left the staircase on auto pilot. I was walking in the same haze I had walked in for over a month, nothing registered, nothing was different, slowly I could feel myself draining with each step forward.
Walking into the ward I knew exactly where I was going. I didn’t need to look at the room numbers because I was going back to that very same room I had spent so much time in doing the exact same thing I was about to do, wait. When I reached her doorway every memory flooded over me, seeing her broke the dam that kept it all back and as I looked at her I saw someone else. The colour of her hair, the familiar hospital gown above the institutional white sheet, the lack of beeping equipment, the red tag and turned around flashcards, even the way she was laying, it was all exactly the same it had been years ago. My head exploded as memories and present time collided and I felt lost.
Stepping inside her room the memories started to fade away as the present day slowly became reality again. Someone was here with her, someone had been with her every minute that she was here and someone would be here with her for every moment that she was here with us. Knowing that made me smile and I slipped quietly into a chair for my turn to pray, to wait, to talk to, to thank and to wrap Elinore tightly in love while her path Home was being prepared.
