One of the best parts of my job is the humour I see in the every day. Yes, the mundane can be funny if you look at it from the perspective of  ”material”.  Some times I fail to see the humour in the moment but eventually it all seems too funny and in that I can find Grace to smile the next time mundane happens.

I heard a rumour the other day that Tim’s actually has a manual on “how to order” and I thought this is a brilliant idea given that some folks just don’t seem to know what to do once the door closes behind them. As you read through this please keep in mind that I would not trade my job for any other, I do indeed love where I work and even the most irritating can be funny, in time.

RULES:

1) Approach the counter with as much confidence you can muster but don’t be cocky or push in front of someone who is already standing there. We bite but we are given very handsome bonuses for every customer that we don’t bite.

2) When you are asked “how may I help you” don’t allow your jaw muscles to slacken to the point where we can see your molars. Please refrain from trying this as the perfect time to practice your deer-in-the-headlights look. We may just hit you for fun. Do not put your hand on your hip, drop your chin and eyelids and say “I dunno, what are you offering. I had a guy try that with me last week, he was 5′8′, roughly 310 and dressed in a spandex unitard. The best I could do was tell him I was not his type, ie, blow up. No, I didn’t share “blow up” with him. I should have ’cause he keeps coming back.

3) Please have the following info already downloaded from your brain to your mouth:

    -size and quantity of coffee ie, SAY the words 3 medium or you’ll only get one. Do not wait for your server to give you one cup before you order another. After the 3rd trip back to the coffee station you may get more than just coffee or one of your cups might be a little on the “not so full” side. 

  -what you want in your coffee. Try as we might we cannot read every mind and guessing 3 cream 4 sugar might be a shock for black coffee drinkers. Once you have decided on a size ask for your liquids (aka dairy product) then the sweetener. We carry 18% cream and 2% milk. No we don not keep a special little bag of  goat milk, lactose friendly cream, or any other critter cream. Nor do we have hidden caches of whole, skim or 1% milk. Rule of thumb: if you don’t see it we don’t have it.

  -If you want your medium sized coffee in a large cup tell us right away, don’t wait until we’ve put a lid on the medium cup to relay that little nugget you’ll run the risk of us not quite getting all your coffee into the large cup. No we’re not uncoordinated, just miffed.

4) When ordering a muffin please take the time to ensure for yourself that we even have the muffin you want. Do not stand in front of the muffin case with your wild eyed stare and ask me what muffins I have. I will one day say “dunno, you’re standing there, you tell me”. Also, when looking at an empty muffin tray do not ask me if we have anymore out back. The truth is……yes. I do have more out back. “Out back” is the dumpster in the alley and there should be some of what you want in there from last night. Oops, don’t forget the step ladder, you’ll need that to get into the dumpster. What you’re looking for is behind the door marked “compost”, happy shopping.

5) When perusing the donut selection please reconsider asking if we have any “low fat” donuts. Your server will proabaly choke and may even tell you that the only “low fat” donut is the hole. Not the Robins Egg but the part in the middle of the donut that is no longer there. While we’re mentioning Robins Egss….they are “Robins Eggs” not “Tim Bits” or “rocks”. One day when someone asks for”Tim Bits” I’m going to send them to Tims, I might lose them as a customer but I’ll send them on the off chance they’ll bring me back a muffin.

6) Don’ stand staring at the “cash only” sign asking if we do debit. Take a moment or two to focus and the sign should pop right into view. Geesh!

7) We carry 6 different kinds of beverages in our pop fridge, 6. Please don’t point at the fridge, grunt and say Pepsi unless you really want a Pepsi. Do not ask for Pepsi, wait for me to put in on the counter and say “um I really wanted a Diet Pepsi” then when I give you the diet ask for a bottle of juice. On your second brain cramp I am actually trying harder to read your mind but all I keep hearing is “nice butt, no boobs but nice butt”.

Conversly do not keep changing your mind about what muffin you want just so you can play a game of a “peek a boob” with the girls. Or change your mind about the donut you want to see the girl stretch. We are not payed enough to amuse you in that way.

And finally (for now anyway) try to say “thank you”. All my staff put in extra effort to try to make your day better for you, don’t ruin in by trying to be the biggest idot possible.