reluctantly I step into the river

the water is surprisingly warm

eerily refreshing

Urged on by the others

already there

I wade farther into it

Spurred by their chants

I slip below the surface

and find peace

I return to the surface

and find myself alone

again

I have been in this river before

urged to go farther

following blindly

Each time is the same

each time is different

each time I drown a little more

Slowly I make my way

back to bank

and wait

To be found once again

 

 

Dwelling on the scar I feel the wound anew

fresh, painful and raw

In a room full of familiar faces I find no solace

no welcoming warmth

I leave, lonely and broken

I have been gone before and found my way back

but this time is different this time is harder

this time is harsher and cold

And I wonder

will I never belong again

has too much time passed?

I find myself back on road I have been on but with no personal ties other than the relationship I have with the woman with whom I have known for many years. I would like to say she is a friend but like the word “love” I find that the word “friend” is over used and loses it’s value. We have now come up with new acronyms for friends like BF and BFF and yes they may actually be a person’s best friend but where does that leave all the other people we know. Are they simply people we know or do we call them “friends” for the sake of defining who they are. And for whose sake do we define, ours or theirs?

Sorry that was an unexpected bunny trail.

The road I’m back on is the road I travelled with my mom in her last month. I had to work through loving her enough to pray the prayers she wanted me to pray and the prayers that I wanted to pray for her. They were vastly different and it threw my prayer life into a tail spin. Do I pray her heart’s desire to go home now or do I pray my heart’s desire for more time? Wendy is right now where I was. Her mom has decided that she is tired, she has lived a good life and she just wants it to end. She has not been well and she loses ground almost on a daily basis. For the past month or so I have been following along the road with Wendy, listening when she wanted an ear, adding my experience to hers when she asked for it and offering to always keep her mom in my prayers.

Here is where it gets sticky. I have been praying for her mom but it has not been the prayer that Wendy asked me to pray. It’s been the exact opposite as she has asked for more time and I have been asking for His Mercy. It doesn’t get sticky because the perception that my prayers have not been answered because I believe they have been. His Mercy is His and looks different to everyone and for all I know this IS His Mercy at work. For all I know Wendy’s mom’s heart may truly be for more time and in there is His Mercy. Maybe He has something else in the works and He needs to stretch out time, I just don’t know.

I got an email from Wendy this morning telling me to “keep praying girl, your prayers are being answered, mom is doing so much better and knowing that you are praying for her brings her peace”

Gulp. Now what? Do I tell Wendy that I have not been praying for what she asked me to pray or do I keep my prayers to myself? How far do I open this door to her? If I open it all the way will she walk through it with me? Will she want to know more about my prayer life and Jesus or will this kill a friendship in the making?

The only thing I can think to do is to take it to His feet and ask for Him to walk me through this. Prayer is after all, an act of listening to His heart, agreeing with what He has asked for and pouring yourself into His will.

From here I hope to fully restore what I have lost.