Dwelling on the scar I feel the wound anew

fresh, painful and raw

In a room full of familiar faces I find no solace

no welcoming warmth

I leave, lonely and broken

I have been gone before and found my way back

but this time is different this time is harder

this time is harsher and cold

And I wonder

will I never belong again

has too much time passed?

I find myself back on road I have been on but with no personal ties other than the relationship I have with the woman with whom I have known for many years. I would like to say she is a friend but like the word “love” I find that the word “friend” is over used and loses it’s value. We have now come up with new acronyms for friends like BF and BFF and yes they may actually be a person’s best friend but where does that leave all the other people we know. Are they simply people we know or do we call them “friends” for the sake of defining who they are. And for whose sake do we define, ours or theirs?

Sorry that was an unexpected bunny trail.

The road I’m back on is the road I travelled with my mom in her last month. I had to work through loving her enough to pray the prayers she wanted me to pray and the prayers that I wanted to pray for her. They were vastly different and it threw my prayer life into a tail spin. Do I pray her heart’s desire to go home now or do I pray my heart’s desire for more time? Wendy is right now where I was. Her mom has decided that she is tired, she has lived a good life and she just wants it to end. She has not been well and she loses ground almost on a daily basis. For the past month or so I have been following along the road with Wendy, listening when she wanted an ear, adding my experience to hers when she asked for it and offering to always keep her mom in my prayers.

Here is where it gets sticky. I have been praying for her mom but it has not been the prayer that Wendy asked me to pray. It’s been the exact opposite as she has asked for more time and I have been asking for His Mercy. It doesn’t get sticky because the perception that my prayers have not been answered because I believe they have been. His Mercy is His and looks different to everyone and for all I know this IS His Mercy at work. For all I know Wendy’s mom’s heart may truly be for more time and in there is His Mercy. Maybe He has something else in the works and He needs to stretch out time, I just don’t know.

I got an email from Wendy this morning telling me to “keep praying girl, your prayers are being answered, mom is doing so much better and knowing that you are praying for her brings her peace”

Gulp. Now what? Do I tell Wendy that I have not been praying for what she asked me to pray or do I keep my prayers to myself? How far do I open this door to her? If I open it all the way will she walk through it with me? Will she want to know more about my prayer life and Jesus or will this kill a friendship in the making?

The only thing I can think to do is to take it to His feet and ask for Him to walk me through this. Prayer is after all, an act of listening to His heart, agreeing with what He has asked for and pouring yourself into His will.

From here I hope to fully restore what I have lost.

 

 

One of the best parts of my job is the humour I see in the every day. Yes, the mundane can be funny if you look at it from the perspective of  ”material”.  Some times I fail to see the humour in the moment but eventually it all seems too funny and in that I can find Grace to smile the next time mundane happens.

I heard a rumour the other day that Tim’s actually has a manual on “how to order” and I thought this is a brilliant idea given that some folks just don’t seem to know what to do once the door closes behind them. As you read through this please keep in mind that I would not trade my job for any other, I do indeed love where I work and even the most irritating can be funny, in time.

RULES:

1) Approach the counter with as much confidence you can muster but don’t be cocky or push in front of someone who is already standing there. We bite but we are given very handsome bonuses for every customer that we don’t bite.

2) When you are asked “how may I help you” don’t allow your jaw muscles to slacken to the point where we can see your molars. Please refrain from trying this as the perfect time to practice your deer-in-the-headlights look. We may just hit you for fun. Do not put your hand on your hip, drop your chin and eyelids and say “I dunno, what are you offering. I had a guy try that with me last week, he was 5′8′, roughly 310 and dressed in a spandex unitard. The best I could do was tell him I was not his type, ie, blow up. No, I didn’t share “blow up” with him. I should have ’cause he keeps coming back.

3) Please have the following info already downloaded from your brain to your mouth:

    -size and quantity of coffee ie, SAY the words 3 medium or you’ll only get one. Do not wait for your server to give you one cup before you order another. After the 3rd trip back to the coffee station you may get more than just coffee or one of your cups might be a little on the “not so full” side. 

  -what you want in your coffee. Try as we might we cannot read every mind and guessing 3 cream 4 sugar might be a shock for black coffee drinkers. Once you have decided on a size ask for your liquids (aka dairy product) then the sweetener. We carry 18% cream and 2% milk. No we don not keep a special little bag of  goat milk, lactose friendly cream, or any other critter cream. Nor do we have hidden caches of whole, skim or 1% milk. Rule of thumb: if you don’t see it we don’t have it.

  -If you want your medium sized coffee in a large cup tell us right away, don’t wait until we’ve put a lid on the medium cup to relay that little nugget you’ll run the risk of us not quite getting all your coffee into the large cup. No we’re not uncoordinated, just miffed.

4) When ordering a muffin please take the time to ensure for yourself that we even have the muffin you want. Do not stand in front of the muffin case with your wild eyed stare and ask me what muffins I have. I will one day say “dunno, you’re standing there, you tell me”. Also, when looking at an empty muffin tray do not ask me if we have anymore out back. The truth is……yes. I do have more out back. “Out back” is the dumpster in the alley and there should be some of what you want in there from last night. Oops, don’t forget the step ladder, you’ll need that to get into the dumpster. What you’re looking for is behind the door marked “compost”, happy shopping.

5) When perusing the donut selection please reconsider asking if we have any “low fat” donuts. Your server will proabaly choke and may even tell you that the only “low fat” donut is the hole. Not the Robins Egg but the part in the middle of the donut that is no longer there. While we’re mentioning Robins Egss….they are “Robins Eggs” not “Tim Bits” or “rocks”. One day when someone asks for”Tim Bits” I’m going to send them to Tims, I might lose them as a customer but I’ll send them on the off chance they’ll bring me back a muffin.

6) Don’ stand staring at the “cash only” sign asking if we do debit. Take a moment or two to focus and the sign should pop right into view. Geesh!

7) We carry 6 different kinds of beverages in our pop fridge, 6. Please don’t point at the fridge, grunt and say Pepsi unless you really want a Pepsi. Do not ask for Pepsi, wait for me to put in on the counter and say “um I really wanted a Diet Pepsi” then when I give you the diet ask for a bottle of juice. On your second brain cramp I am actually trying harder to read your mind but all I keep hearing is “nice butt, no boobs but nice butt”.

Conversly do not keep changing your mind about what muffin you want just so you can play a game of a “peek a boob” with the girls. Or change your mind about the donut you want to see the girl stretch. We are not payed enough to amuse you in that way.

And finally (for now anyway) try to say “thank you”. All my staff put in extra effort to try to make your day better for you, don’t ruin in by trying to be the biggest idot possible.